so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
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Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
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It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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