Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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