He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
