I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
