Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
