I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dating After Heartbreak
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.