i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.