Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
