dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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