He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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