Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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