why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
