:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
