I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize