I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
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Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
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They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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