I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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