Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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