Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
