On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
