Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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