He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
