my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
