the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
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Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize