if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
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I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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