Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
