oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
it hurts more in the daytime
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
