Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
