You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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