yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
