just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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