Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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