Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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