she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
why do cheetos always look like penises
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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