i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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