Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
