why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
