Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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