Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
