I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
