I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
bring money and cleavage
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
