I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
