Do you still have your period?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
