I just pynch a tree in the face
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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