we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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