He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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