How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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