Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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