it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
