Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.