Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
