The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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