It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
