Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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