I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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