He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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