did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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